There must be some sort of mischievous spirit who lurks around to-do lists, or napkins where the plans for the week or month or year are hastily scrawled down, or in the hidden wires of cyber space where bloggers share with optimism what they are hoping for in the days to come.
And it is here that cunning spirit delights in wreaking havoc. Maybe adding a few things to the list in invisible ink that will magically appear when it's least convenient or expected. Maybe shaking up said list so that it is indecipherable. Or hiding the list so it can't be found when it's needed, whether the need is focus, inspiration or something else.
I know intellectually that my follow-through on Monday's list of aspirations has only to do with myself...that I've allowed myself to be side-tracked and diverted from the list of things I had hoped to accomplish this week. There is really no one out there plotting against me, willing me to fail. As I look back on that list, only made two days ago, I see that I've actually accomplished quite a bit of it. And more, as I prepare to facilitate a staycation trip to China and also plan a Chinese New Year's feast here for family. Oh, and spending time taking pictures and writing up ads to sell a few items we don't need anymore. And trying to organize a friend and family get-together when we go on vacation.
What's weighing heavily on me are the two things that were on that list for me and me alone...taking a bit of time in the morning to do yoga and sewing a shirt for myself. Oh, and while my kids have been outside, I haven't found time to get out myself. Why should these things be so difficult to do when I'll be the one who will benefit from them?
When I peel back all the layers...the excuses, the blame, the defensiveness...I think the source of the foot-dragging is that I feel it will be hard. It will be hard to reach down and see I can no longer touch my toes or hang out in downward dog comfortably. It will be hard to try to sew a finicky knit shirt with a technique I've never tried before. It's hard to make the effort to go outside into the dark night after everyone has gone to bed when it's bright and warm inside. Maybe "hard" isn't the right word...maybe it's more like fear that I won't succeed in the way I'm used to succeeding. Maybe it's more like I'm selling out for the road that is more comfortable and not even batting an eyelash on the road that leads to the unknown...the road I'll never see if I don't try.
And it's here that I go through all my "push through it" reminders...I will do a better job taking care of the little ones who live here when I take care of myself...I am in the awesome position to lead my children by example, and I have the power to choose the example do I want them to see...there is much to be learned from a person's mistakes...
So long, mischievous spirit. I see you for what you really are.